I don't talk about it often as I never saw the need to bring up something that was mentioned often in my life either straight up to my face or in passing. Most of all it hurt, so why bring it up unnecessarily?
What bothered me as a youth may not be a big deal to some but it is something that is becoming an epidemic in this country and probably causing the same pain to many as it did me. What I'm talking about is the weight issues I had growing up. I recently realized that it has played a significant role in who I am today.
As a kid I was happy, very obedient, and rarely caused trouble. As a teen, I somehow sailed through without giving my parents any teen drama, as most teens do. I guess I was the exception. I was the quiet one at school. I was constantly told I was "too nice." That used to bother me - how is that possible? How is that a problem? I was just being myself. I may have always tried to make people happy but, I wouldn't necessarily be a doormat. I was being ME. I was confused as to why people saw it as an issue.
Throughout the years I would really mull over it. I even tried being "mean" for a while. Yeahh...that didn't work because that wasn't ME. Even now, I try to be nice and make people happy, I guess, but not as much as before. I recently started asking myself why I'm like this. Yes, it's part of my personality. And maybe it runs in my genes, too? I mean both my parents were shy, calm, nice kids. And yes, my brother and I had good parents that taught us to have always have good manners, respect and concern for others. But looking back I realize I may have taken it to the extreme. Why was I like that?
It goes back to what always bothered me, yet I never spoke about. My weight. I may not have showed it and I didn't really accept the fact, but I was at times quite unhappy with myself, and hid behind a happy face. And this goes as early as 2nd grade or so. My unhappiness exasperated with a significant amount of teasing from kids, I believe really took a toll on my self-confidence and self-esteem. This made my shyness even worse. It made my quietness even worse. But I guess really quick, I figured out that if I'm really nice to people and made them happy, then they wouldn't even think to make fun of me. Or maybe I wouldn't get picked last for team games in recess. Or people would be excited to sit next to me at lunch. It worked well for the most part, and since being nice to people came so easily to me, I continued practicing my new-found coping mechanism. Thank God for my parents' sake, I didn't go the other direction and turn out into a bad kid or rebel or anything as a way of dealing with all this.
I am not complaining about any of this - just reflecting. What happened in the past doesn't define or control who I am, but it has contributed to who I am now. As I've grown, matured, learned, and changed, I started to realize that it was still a big part of me. Only in the past year, more so in the past few months, have I started to let go of that feeling. It's amazing how much of our childhood we hold on to...without even realizing it! No longer am I that diffident, insecure, self-conscious kid I used to be. No longer am I that kid that had such a lack of self-confidence that I didn't talk for two years at school. No longer am I that kid whom the "nice kids" would protect because they felt bad for me. No longer am I the girl who dropped out of gymnastics at age 6 because I was too scared to try and be judged by others. No longer am I the kid who got called a "gorilla" by a boy in 5th grade. YES, I still have plenty of insecurities, but don't we all? The ones I've always had are still there but have lessened tremendously and I'm sure I've acquired new ones that come with just experiencing life. I'll tell ya, one good thing about getting older, though, is the fact that self-confidence comes with the territory...oh and also the "I Don't Give a Damn What People Think" attitude. Slowly but surely we'll all get there...
As agonizing it is, I've chosen to look at this complicated maze of self-discovery as a positive experience. No one else can experience my journey but ME, and I am confident that one day, with many reflections such as this, I will make it to the end...to the end of infinity. ;-)
"Self is not something one finds, it is something one creates." ~Thomas Szasz
What bothered me as a youth may not be a big deal to some but it is something that is becoming an epidemic in this country and probably causing the same pain to many as it did me. What I'm talking about is the weight issues I had growing up. I recently realized that it has played a significant role in who I am today.
As a kid I was happy, very obedient, and rarely caused trouble. As a teen, I somehow sailed through without giving my parents any teen drama, as most teens do. I guess I was the exception. I was the quiet one at school. I was constantly told I was "too nice." That used to bother me - how is that possible? How is that a problem? I was just being myself. I may have always tried to make people happy but, I wouldn't necessarily be a doormat. I was being ME. I was confused as to why people saw it as an issue.
Throughout the years I would really mull over it. I even tried being "mean" for a while. Yeahh...that didn't work because that wasn't ME. Even now, I try to be nice and make people happy, I guess, but not as much as before. I recently started asking myself why I'm like this. Yes, it's part of my personality. And maybe it runs in my genes, too? I mean both my parents were shy, calm, nice kids. And yes, my brother and I had good parents that taught us to have always have good manners, respect and concern for others. But looking back I realize I may have taken it to the extreme. Why was I like that?
It goes back to what always bothered me, yet I never spoke about. My weight. I may not have showed it and I didn't really accept the fact, but I was at times quite unhappy with myself, and hid behind a happy face. And this goes as early as 2nd grade or so. My unhappiness exasperated with a significant amount of teasing from kids, I believe really took a toll on my self-confidence and self-esteem. This made my shyness even worse. It made my quietness even worse. But I guess really quick, I figured out that if I'm really nice to people and made them happy, then they wouldn't even think to make fun of me. Or maybe I wouldn't get picked last for team games in recess. Or people would be excited to sit next to me at lunch. It worked well for the most part, and since being nice to people came so easily to me, I continued practicing my new-found coping mechanism. Thank God for my parents' sake, I didn't go the other direction and turn out into a bad kid or rebel or anything as a way of dealing with all this.
I am not complaining about any of this - just reflecting. What happened in the past doesn't define or control who I am, but it has contributed to who I am now. As I've grown, matured, learned, and changed, I started to realize that it was still a big part of me. Only in the past year, more so in the past few months, have I started to let go of that feeling. It's amazing how much of our childhood we hold on to...without even realizing it! No longer am I that diffident, insecure, self-conscious kid I used to be. No longer am I that kid that had such a lack of self-confidence that I didn't talk for two years at school. No longer am I that kid whom the "nice kids" would protect because they felt bad for me. No longer am I the girl who dropped out of gymnastics at age 6 because I was too scared to try and be judged by others. No longer am I the kid who got called a "gorilla" by a boy in 5th grade. YES, I still have plenty of insecurities, but don't we all? The ones I've always had are still there but have lessened tremendously and I'm sure I've acquired new ones that come with just experiencing life. I'll tell ya, one good thing about getting older, though, is the fact that self-confidence comes with the territory...oh and also the "I Don't Give a Damn What People Think" attitude. Slowly but surely we'll all get there...
As agonizing it is, I've chosen to look at this complicated maze of self-discovery as a positive experience. No one else can experience my journey but ME, and I am confident that one day, with many reflections such as this, I will make it to the end...to the end of infinity. ;-)
"Self is not something one finds, it is something one creates." ~Thomas Szasz
ugh, i just wrote this whole long comment saying some stuff but it got erased, but basically what I wanted to say is that was deep how you traced a behavior pattern back to its roots. Also, that I can relate because I got picked on a lot to the point where I had speech problems and panic attacks. And I tried being nice but it didn't work too well as far as getting accepted by others. But then I finally realized that I don't have to let what others think of me define me. I don't need to "fear man".
ReplyDeleteCOMPLETELY agree with the last 2 sentences. I'm starting to accept that. I don't let others define me, though. Hmm..
ReplyDelete